Growing up I wanted long hair. I had one of those stylish-at-the time bowl cuts many little girls had and HATED it even than. I had grown my hair to my waist by middle school. Then college was coming up. I wouldn’t have my mom around to style my hair with a blow dryer or to help me put it up in a messy bun.
Yes, you heard that right. I was 18/19 years old, heading off to college, mature in many ways, but not able to manage my frizzy oddly wavy long hair on my own. I hate being dependent on someone (which is what I almost wrote about this week. Next time). Not going to lie, this is a bit embarrassing for me to write down where people who know me may read it. There are not many people who can identify with this challenge. This is one of those very specific neurodivergent experiences I have really only heard from other NVLD-ers. I was so jealous of girls who had silky, heavy, straight hair. I know mine held a style longer than theirs, but I would forgo that benefit to have wash and wear hair.
So I did it, despite how much I loved long hair I got a very short haircut so I could handle it myself at school. I kept it that way until I just couldn’t do it anymore. The summer before my junior year, though, I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted longer hair again. It took a year, and an unintentional mullet, but I finally grew it out. When I got a hair cut to put a style to my grown out mop before returning for my college senior year my stylist flat ironed my hair, and I somehow remembered how she did it (although I NEVER got the hang of doing the back). To this day I flat iron my hair, and, in the summer when humidity creates an unrelenting lion’s main of body, I wear it in a ponytail or a bun. Not the best ponytails and buns, but what I am able to put together. And that is just what I do.
For me the most significant way NVLD challenges my life is Doing a Thing. I hear Doing The Thing talked about in the ADHD community a lot, however my NVLD, non-ADHD experience is a little different (which is part of why I do believe accurate and specific diagnosis is important if it is attainable. Many diagnoses look the same on the outside but the reason and what is going on internally for us can be very different. You will handle Doing The Thing differently as an ADHD person who has trouble with getting themselves to do the things they know how to do, and an NVLD person who has no trouble getting themselves to sit down, or stand up, and do the thing, but just can’t… do the thing!).
That seems really broad, doesn’t it? Doing the thing? My weak areas include visual skills, committing multiple steps processes to memory (although that is easier if I am allowed learn them verbally and only verbally), spatial skills, and, my weakest area of all, fine motor skills. Put all those things together and you can probably imagine it can be really hard to learn to do the thing. Cooking, cleaning, hair, make-up, these are all things that can be challenging for me. And don’t you dare make me parallel park. It’s also really hard to find a job where all I need to do is talk, writer, and research. Doing the thing usually finds it’s way into every job out there (and as my readers know, because of my dysgraphia not even my favorite activity of all, writing, is free from my personal neurodivergent challenges).
After my diagnosis I started taking more care of my mental health and my “spoons.” Before that I have been capable of pushing myself to being miserable, exhausted, and trading accomplishing one thing for failing at another. Even failing at things I am usually good at for the sake of pushing myself to “do the thing” I really can’t do the way others do. Once I knew that I really was dealing with same weaker areas of ability than other people, and also a bigger gap between my weak areas and my strengths than the average person, I started thinking about how to manage my life a bit differently. I was not the same as everyone else, I had a right to manage my life in ways that were different than other people.
I understand this was confusing for those around me, especially since I had a reputation of being such a hard worker who would always push myself to do something. But I would do this even when I not only thought, but KNEW I was not capable of doing the thing. I mean, I couldn’t give up, right? I had to do my best at everything even when I knew I wasn’t able to do the thing or I would be someone who gives up, and that is someone I just can’t be… right??
Some felt I wasn’t working as hard in my life anymore, and let me know that. But I knew what I was doing. No, I wasn’t going to work as hard anymore. But I was going to go about my life better. I was instead going to go about doing things a different way, and changing my expectations of myself.
As time has gone on I have given myself more space when trying something new that I do not have to do in a timely manner. I also choose what I want and need to learn how to do. I will work on trying those new things when I know I have the time and mental energy to try them. I know doing something that is heavy in fine motor, spatial, or visual skill take up more spoons anyway, but even more so when the activity is new. When you think about it, “doing a thing” is usually comprised of being aware of yourself and the thing in space, having a visual memory and/or noticing visual detail, and using your hands to complete the fine motor tasks to do the thing. Plus, committing the steps to do the thing to memory.
Doing a Thing is an NVLD nightmare, and yet it is not really something you can create a life to avoid entirely. Which, I would make the case, is why some joke how angsty NVLD is. Wouldn’t you have a bit of angst too if what I describe was challenging for you? My mental health hinges on the fact that I don’t expect perfection from myself. When I had those standards I was miserable.
Disclaimer: This blog is intended for the purposes of entertainment. It tells only one person’s personal story, opinions, experience and perspective living with NVLD. Each person with the diagnosis has different skills, challenges, perspectives, and personalities. This blog is not intended to provide medical or educational advice. Please speak to your doctor or teacher regarding yourself and/or a family member.
Writing Errors: This blog may have typos or errors from time to time. To keep to the goal of being honest and open with the way her LDs expresses in her life, the author has chosen to not have others proofread and chooses to leave in errors she was not able to pick up on herself at time of publishing.
This NVLD Life 